Tuesday, May 28, 2013

depending

i stared at my schedule for five minutes, trying to blink and see if it changed.

next to my name: 0.00 hours.

i had put in my two weeks three days before, but i guess this was their goodbye.
i could feel that really terrible pit in my stomach. the one so deep that, when it gets activated, immediately sends tears to the eyes.

emotions that ran through my body: good and pissed off.

i worked there for four and a half years. i was a good employee. on-time, came in early and left late when needed. kept my mouth shut when maybe i shouldn't have. and then had done the right thing and gave my two weeks, only to feel a giant slap in the face.

my first reaction was to scream and yell.
i'm only human.
and then text the hubby.

who came back with this reply: it's all good babe :) we'll just get going on things earlier now!

i wish i could say total relief filled my body, but it only did a little bit.

i came home that day more worried than i had been all month. two more weeks at my job would have put us on the plus side of things financially, and i wouldn't have to worry about anything.

but there's my problem. 

i worried first.

i prayed that day, but it was the desperation prayer, "dear God, please don't let us go poor and have to live in a box. ps, thanks for today."

yes, i leaned on my Maker in my time of need...but had i just been leaning the whole time, i wouldn't have been so worried.

so here i am now. four days away from what should have been my last day, and hey look. we just moved into a beautiful home and we threw out all the boxes.

am i on the "schedule" that i had created?
not a chance.
but i am so thankful for that. so, so thankful for it.

God has timing that i'll never understand. and honestly, i don't think i want to. my life is a jumbled mess, but i am so glad that no matter what: nothing is in my control.

this last week and a half has been so wonderful. i've had more time for...well everything. setting up my house, getting our new dog, spending more time with my husband, and spending far more time thanking Jesus for this life.

and this chance to chase my dreams. 

i'm encouraged now, more than ever. i took a leap, and Jesus kept His arms opened so wide until i got to them. 

i have come across so many verses this past week, but there's one that has been written on my heart for years now, and it wasn't until the other week that i could truly get it.



trust.
it's a huge thing.

at this point, i don't even want to try to depend on my own understanding. because i don't have any at this point.
and i'm ok with that.

my depending is on the One who placed the stars in the sky.

i'm not upset anymore by being let go early. i'm thrilled about it now. the timing was indeed perfect. but i guess that's because the One who did it, is perfect.

blessings sweet friend.

ps. noelani, you won the giveaway! please email me! the email i have for you isn't working!

7 comments:

Angela said...

Wonderful post. I have trouble trusting God even though I want to believe wholeheartedly that His ways are greater than my own. Letting go of control is so hard for me and its something I have to intentionally remember each day... There's something bigger going on here...

RitaMarie said...

That is something else- being let go early after serving over 4 years.

You're right. When we try to control things with our schedule, we realize we have no control and are best suited to just TRUST.

Thanks for this lovely post.

Kiki said...

This is beautiful. Truly, truly beautiful. I am so blessed to be able to witness all that God is doing in and through you, girl! Seriously, it's so inspiring to see how your trust and dependence on Him is making things work out for the better. And I couldn't have said this any better, "i took a leap, and Jesus kept His arms opened so wide until i got to them." Loved that part. :)

kristyn said...

this is so great megan! at first when i heard they had let you go early despite the notice i was outraged! that honestly is just inconsiderate, but i'm glad that you have been able to let of it and trust God. His timing is always so much better than ours :)

grace & love,
kristyn

Erika Spitler said...

"i took a leap, and Jesus kept His arms opened so wide until i got to them." >>> YES. Just last week, I took a risk that I hoped would bring me a step closer to pursuing my dreams and it was scary. (the I'm so nervous I may puke kind of risk). I don't know why I worried so much. Jesus completely met me and encouraged me. He's not one to leave us empty-handed :). Proud of you.

Noelani Palacio said...
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Sincerely, Noelani said...
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