here's the thing.
i wasn't one of the girls who waited.
i've been "in love" too many times to count because until the hubs came around, i had no idea what true love was.
and it wasn't even him that i feel in love with...but the Lord. who then allowed me to fall in love with sonny.
we live in a world today where waiting, isn't much of an option anymore. more and more teenage girls are loosing their virginity and it's really becoming no big deal.
makes my heart so sad.
i want to be clear here. i wish i would have waited. i really, really do. but i didn't.
i can't go back in time and change it.
and i'm ok with that.
purity and waiting, are important. God wants you to wait.
but if you made a mistake like me, you aren't scum. you can be forgiven and will be forgiven.
for a long time i thought God could never forgive me for having sex before marriage. and even after i was married i struggled with things (because let's face it ladies, it ain't like the movies), and thought that i was being punished because i didn't wait for sonny.
this of course, is a total lie the enemy was trying to feed me.
when you have thoughts like that racing through your brain, and then read blogs and christian magazine articles about purity, it gets hard. really hard.
i felt like there wasn't any grace for those of us who messed up, and that this life of purity was being held up so high that if you weren't in that group, you were condemned big time.
this struggle i had wasn't a daily one. i didn't wake up in the morning wondering what my life was going to be like because i had made a mistake. but when it did come into my thoughts, it hit me in the face like a ton of bricks.
i wondered how on earth the Creator of the heavens could forgive someone who not only had sex before she was married, but never really learned her lesson.
it played into who i was in high school. and boys aren't stupid.
but that's for a different post.
i wondered how on earth God could have blessed me with a man like sonny to spend the rest of my life with, when i really didn't deserve it.
i had played around with "love" since the 9th grade, and dragged the word through the mud.
said it to almost every boyfriend. totally lost all its meaning, and didn't really think twice about it.
when i met sonny things started to change. he became that missing piece to my life, and led me back to the Lord.
i got baptized. we got engaged. we married. life was good.
but that feeling like i wasn't forgiven never went away.
until about a year ago.
we were driving back from north carolina and were listening to worship music.
which, btw, driving in the dark blasting worship music next to the love of your life is really something wonderful.
we listened and sang along through a mix i had made on my spotify account, when arms wide open by hillsong came on.
tears came streaming down my face.
i don't know if it was the lyrics to the song. or the fact that i was sitting next to the one i loved worshiping the God who made us, but out of no where i just felt this rush of peace.
i was forgiven.
what happened in the past doesn't matter to God. He had never kept a record of my wrongs. just a record of His rights.
having sex before i was married was a mistake, but one He forgave me of.
i realized that night that all the lies i let come into my heart were just that...total lies. and they weren't welcomed anymore.
i felt the Lord tell me that it was ok, and that He loved me.
so so so much.
i am humbled by Gods love for me.
and His ability to see past me, and get right to my heart.
i'm currently doing the overcome the lie, 40 day challenge and this morning was all about love. and how we need to repeat to ourselves that God seriously loves us.
i read the devotional with relief this morning.
because i know He loves me.
more than i know actually.
we're human beings. we're going to make mistakes and God knows that. He made us remember.
but the trick is to not let those mistakes define who you are.
instead, be defined by the love of a Savior.
the love of a God who created the oceans and stars.
if you haven't check out overcome the lie. you need to.
and to all my mistake makers...you're loved girlfriend. more than you'll ever know.