prayer.

praying is a funny thing, kinda.
i've always heard that it's the conversation between you and God.

but a conversation, i used to say, was when two people were talking and each one of them could hear the other. one person says, "hey how are ya?" and then the other one answers, "really good, you?"

i know i can't possibly be alone in this, but i can honestly say that i've never heard God speak to me. seriously.
have you ever read things, or had conversations with people who speak about how they could hear God tell them to go do something?

now, let's make something clear. i fully believe in a God who speaks to people. however, before lately, i was beginning to wonder if i had missed out on some kool-aid somewhere.
and were these people absolutely certain that they were hearing from God and not just the pizza they ate last night.

so, i prayed and prayed. and didn't hear anything from God.
i prayed about my future. because right now i'm at that terrible point in a humans life, where they graduate from college and the whole world is staring at them bug eyed wondering what they'll do next.

i never heard the voice of God.

which while we're on the topic, what does He sound like?

i started to believe that all these dreams and goals i was having for my life were just that...mine and not Gods. i think if i look back in my prayer journal the prayer that pops up the most is that God would do His will in my life, that His glorious plans would prevail and that i wouldn't do just what i wanted to do.

this summer i kind of just gave up. sure this little dream of becoming a photographer was in my heart, but i wasn't really hearing anything from God so i figured that was just another profession to cross off megan's list.

and friends, that list is a long one.

and that's when i realized that i have been bouncing too much.

i'm almost 24 (when the heck did that happen?!) and it's about time that i start acting like one. this isn't kindergarden anymore people, we are finally at that "grown up" stage.

it's no longer a question of, "what do you want to be when you grow up?"

but a question of, "so when do you start your job?"

it's terrifying really.

a couple weeks ago i was reading through blogs when i came upon my dear friend annie's post about what was going on in her heart. she wrote about how God had started to shatter her heart.
i read the post in envy actually (wrong, yes i know).
but i was wondering when God was going to shatter my heart. when i was going to come up from the ashes and just start being the megan He created me to be.

and then i was listening to some jj heller (an absolute favorite), when i saw the song called no fight left on her new album.

duh, i thought to myself.

here are some of the lyrics:

it's hard to tell if my eyes are open

when all i see is dark

and it's easy, it's easy to lose my step

to lose my step

there is no fight left on the inside

but maybe that's where i should be

i've given up trying

i'm giving it all to you

if you youtube it (which you should, but it's a cheesy video), the description says this: a song for all of us who are in the belly of a whale. sometimes we have to let go of what we hold dear to get closer to the One who holds our hearts. Jesus. 

the belly of a whale.

let go of what we hold dear.

my future, and me figuring it out, is what is dear to me.

i want to constantly be in control. i want things to be figured out now, so that i don't have to worry about them in the future.

for those of you who don't know, i'm embarking on a photography adventure.
i was asked to do two weddings this summer which is crazy pants.
i have my second one this weekend.

after the first one i was really nervous that this was just what i wanted to do. i had no clue if this was what God had in the plans for me. i mean, i'm going to school for english for heavens sake. photography?

a couple weeks ago before i did the first wedding i came to that point.
the point where i just sat down and really prayed that God would make His will known.
i listened to that song on repeat for a week. screaming the lyrics in the car on my way home, praying to God.

i just got called yesterday to do another wedding. 

if you believe, you will receive what ever you as for in prayer. matthew 21:22

i think...and i say i think because i'm not 100% confident...that i am doing what He wants me to. i do know, that i gave up trying to figure it all out on my own.

which i think is the first step.

it's hard going into something when you have no idea what you're doing. because let's face it, i don't. photography is really, really hard. and it's even harder to not try and compare yourself to others.

but i am faithful that God is going to give me the tools (and people) to make me great.

i was texting my sister last night and just asked if this was real life.

like, is this really happening?

do i get to "grow up" and be a photographer?

i know that i didn't hear the mighty voice of God, but i like to think that He's talking to me through all this. in fact i know He is.

and the best part, is that i'm listening.

sometimes we have to stop looking at everyone around us and wondering when God is going to start putting the puzzle pieces of our lives together. because He's already started. we're just too busy looking at every one else's.
His work already started in my life a long, long time ago. i just never asked and prayed what it was.

the thing about prayer is that we have to keep doing it.
we can't just ask God to help us on monday, and then get to friday, hear crickets and wonder what the deal is.

1 thessalonians 5:17
never stop praying.

seem's pretty clear to me.

all my love, 

meg